Friday, October 28, 2011

Paranormal Activity 3 (R/83 Min.)


It is the month of October – though it is almost over – and that means that I’m watching more scary movies than usual. Or that was my intention anyway. I think I’m going to have to let scary movie month ooze over, so to speak, in to November. A little bit anyway.

A couple nights ago I went, by myself, to see Paranormal Activity 3. Why did I go by myself? Don’t ask. I wasn’t supposed to but that’s what ended up happening. So, I got to the theater and climbed to my normal spot – back row, center – and prepared to be skeered. While sitting there wondering what on earth on I was thinking I took a moment to look around. Not only did I go to the movie by myself but I was in the theater BY. MY. SELF!!! Yup. That’s right. All by my lonesome. The back corner seats were looking mighty cozy. The only way any critter could get at me there was from the front and I’d see them coming long before they got there. And don’t think I wouldn’t have been able to make it to the foot of the stairs without ever touching the floor. I have talents, man. Now, you may think I’m making this up as I type but these thoughts really and truly were running through my mind as I sat there…”in the night…in the dark”. Anyone besides Leann, name that movie. Why then was I even watching this in the first place? I have absolutely no idea. Scary movies are scary. Imagine that. Maybe it’s the cheap thrill in relative safety. Yeah. I’ll go with that.

If you’ve seen the first two movies in this series then you already know whether or not you’re going to like the prequel. And whether or not you’re going to be scared. This contained the same jump-out-at-you type scares that were in the first two. And they even came up with a way to not make people sick while watching. Apparently I wasn’t the only one who tossed her popcorn during the first movie. This time they used an oscillating fan. They attached the video camera to the base so that it would film while sweeping back and forth from the front entry and living room to the kitchen. This little set-up did NOT make me happy. I was just waiting for it to sweep from one room to the other and instead of seeing the room I’d see a big, scary face. I’m not saying whether this happened or not but I was definitely worried it would.

Let’s pause for a moment to discuss the trailers for PA3, shall we? Let me tell you exactly what was in both the trailers AND the movie. Pretty much NOTHING! How rude is that? It’s one thing to have a teaser trailer that doesn’t quite give you the story and leaves you guessing but this was a complete and total falsehood. I protest! If you were looking forward, as I was, to seeing some of those scenes on the big screen the only thing I can say is you’d better find someone with a hugantic TV and watch the trailer at their house because that’s as close as you’re gonna get.

Now back to our program. Be warned. This next part may ruin the movie for you. Read on…if you dare. I expected the prequel to answer questions that arose from the first two movies. The only thing it really answered is what happened to Julie and Dennis (the mom and mom’s live-in boyfriend). That’s it. So, basically this movie was for scares only. Not surprising really but still…

There’s no way to say much more without just flat out telling you everything that happened so I’m gonna just skip to the breakdown. Oh wait. No, I’m not. If you think it’s okay to take your child to a movie like this then nothing I say is going to stop you. All I can tell you is enjoy the nightmares. Not yours. Your kids. Okay, I’m finished proselytizing. For now.

Would I recommend this movie to anyone? Crap, no! Unless you’re a big goober like me who likes to safely scare the daylights out of herself on occasion. Or unless you just happen to like scary movies and aren’t the big baby that I am. Some of you may think this is downright tame. I’d like to hear from those of you in that camp. Mainly so I’ll know who to take with me next time.

P.S. Do NOT cover your eyes during the scene in which Katie is crying at the foot of the stairs. I did and I totally missed what happened. And keep ‘em open when grandma walks in after Dennis gets knocked down soon after the deal with Katie. If you don't, you’ll wonder what on earth went on there. If you go see this and avoid hiding behind your hands please tell me what I missed. I’d appreciate it because I will NOT be seeing this movie again.

P.P.S. If you want a heads up regarding the scary scenes feel free to contact me. I won’t tell you what scary things happen but I’ll let you know what leads up to them so you’ll be prepared.

P.P.P.S. I ended up not being alone in the theater. Several more people came in including the three adults who sat in front of me and threw their concessions in the air during one particularly startling scene. Broke the tension a bit for me. Thank you, whoever you are.

P.P.P.P.S. Last one. I promise. Mainly because my hands are freezing. Even though I thought that maybe the director of this film was going to be cute and throw something startling in to the credits somewhere, I stayed through them. You won’t need to. Oh, the things I do for you.

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