Wednesday, April 4, 2012

American Reunion (R)

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I am writing this solely for my own enjoyment as there is no way on earth that Armat would let PT go see this movie. I took Pete and Repeat (they won’t let me even hint at their names because they don’t want anyone to know they saw this) with me. I did warn them ahead of time that it would be highly inappropriate. Inappropriate for whom, you ask? Pretty much everyone. I was right. We all felt the need to scrub certain scenes out of our brains (one each) when it was over.

This is Kad’s synopsis as written on IMDB. No, I have no idea who Kad is. “Over a decade has passed and the gang returns to East Great Falls, Michigan, for the weekend. They will discover how their lives have developed as they gather for their high school reunion. How has life treated Michelle, Jim, Heather, Oz, Kevin, Vicky, Finch, Stifler, and Stifler's mom? In the summer of 1999, it was four boys on a quest to lose their virginity. Now Kara is a cute high school senior looking for the perfect guy to lose her virginity to.”

You would think this would be a movie about their 10-year reunion but it’s not. It’s about their 13-year reunion. Who on earth would have a reunion celebrating an anniversary (does that even make sense?) that doesn’t end in a zero or five? The Mustang High School class of 1990, you say? Well, okay then. I guess it’s all right.

If you haven’t seen any of the other American Pie movies or if you did and hated them, DON’T GO SEE THIS!!! If you’re in the latter group, be advised that this is the worst movie of the bunch. Stifler is in top form. If you’re in the former group, watch the others first. Trust me. You’ll be lost but everyone else around you won’t be and then they’ll react because they know what’s coming up and you’ll be all, “What are they laughing at?” and the person you go to see it with will be like, “If you’d watched the other movies, you’d know.” and you’ll be all, “Bite me.” That’s the most mature version of that particular conversation.

The acting isn’t super great but do you really expect it to be? And there was one scene in particular in which I came incredibly close to tossing my cookies. Just a figure of speech, mom. I was NOT eating cookies. They’re not on my diet. If you go to this movie and have a weak stomach, I advise you to cover your eyes when you see Stifler walking towards the blue cooler and ask your friend later what happened. If you make them tell you when it’s over and they say it’s okay pretty quickly they’re lying. This scene drags out.

What was my favorite part of the movie? It’s what Stifler does for Oz at the dance. It included Stifler’s trademark foul mouth but he ends up showing what a good friend he is capable of being. Doh! Look at me trying to make something sweet out of one of the foulest movies I’ve ever seen. Okay…that I’ll admit to having seen.

I would definitely recommend this to anyone who liked the other films in the franchise or if you like really REALLY immature/perverse humor or you’re a boy. Once again, all men are boys. I’m not encouraging taking children. Speaking of, this movie was so far out of the 17 year old and under demographic that if you were an adult attending this screening and you were accompanying a minor, not miner, you had to sign a consent form. I kid you not. See?

Sorry it’s so blurry. I took the picture with my phone while trying to hold the form and I apparently can’t be still for half a second.

Let’s head on to the break-down though it’s really not necessary. Don’t take your kids to see this. Yes, I am the boss of you.

Sex/Nudity – Ummmm…yes and yes. Did you really think otherwise? Not only is there nudity, there is male nudity. Didn’t that used to give movies an automatic NC-17 rating? That part…er... scene was very painful to watch.

Drinking/Drugs – Lots and lots and LOTS of drinking. A few drugs including Ecstasy and a bong. No, I don’t know what Ecstasy looks like nor do I know if that’s how you spell the name. I love being ignorant of both those facts. One of the characters mentions what it is as she’s taking it. There may have been more drugs but if there were I missed them. Seeing them, I mean.

Cussing – Definitely. Stifler can’t say two words without cussing.

Violence – Pathetic fight scene. The only blood in the entire movie will make all the boys cross their legs.

A lot of the humor in this movie was shocking funny as in, “Omigosh! I can’t believe this is really happening!” I would say that I’m embarrassed to admit I saw A.R. but this entire post disproves that. This film is rude, lewd and socially unacceptable. If you decide to give this a try without having seen or been told about any of the other movies be prepared to squirm in your seat at least a couple times. It’s a very uncomfortable movie. And yet, we laughed through a good portion of it. Contradiction at its finest.

P.S. There is nothing after the credits.
P.P.S. I read a blog called The Bloggess. She too is rude, lewd and socially unacceptable (not as much so as this movie) but is also very funny despite the fact that she’s from Texas. Just kidding. Sorta. I read some of her posts the day I went to see A.R. and in one of them she mentioned a band called Dr. Pants. Bloggess is not comfortable at all in situations that involve large groups of people (she tends to get anxious and hides in the bathroom) and despite members of the band inviting her to several gigs she never could do it. So! The band came to her. She got her own little concert…in her bathroom. I know it sounds odd but it’s sweet at the same time. Why am I telling you all this? Because while Pete, Repeat and I were standing in line for the movie we made friends with the nice couple standing behind us. So much so that they asked to sit with us. Groovy! Repeat mentioned my little blog and the female half of the couple asked if I ever read The Bloggess and when I said I did she informed me that her husband, the man with her in case you were wondering, is a member of Dr. Pants! Whoa! Jump back! What are the chances? The day I read about them! And in another state even! Crazy, I know! So, here are the friends we made that evening.

And here’s my endorsement for the band: you should go hear Dr. Pants if you get the chance because at least one of them and his wife is (are?) nice people. You say that doesn’t help you with future entertainment planning? How weird.

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