Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (R/105 Min.)

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I had to work late tonight and ended up in a mad rush, when I was finally liberated, to get to the theater on time. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was another in a decent-sized list of films that I was anxious to see. I didn’t go this past weekend due to Jazz in June (a girl’s got to have her priorities) and the rest of this week is bound to be crazy busy so this was my only chance to go before it got lost and forgotten in the midst of all the other movies I want to see.

So, I hustled my tuckus and made it to the theater in time to see the trailers (yea!) and then the movie started and then…I was ever so slightly underwhelmed. How very very VERY disappointing. Now, while anxious to see this I do have to admit that I didn’t really think it was going to fare well at the box office. My main reason for wanting to go was a curiosity to see how they were going to turn one of the most well-known and beloved Presidents the US has ever known in to a vengeful, monster-killing machine. Well, he did kill a LOT of monsters.

IMDB had this to say about Abraham…
“Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States, discovers vampires are planning to take over the United States. He makes it his mission to eliminate them. “
Ummm…no. I won’t tell you how this is incorrect. All I can say is that it is. Do the people who allow these summaries on the site even watch the movies before they post them? I’m guessing not. Okay okay, the second sentence is correct. I’ll give them that much.

The acting wasn’t too bad. The scenery was as close to a historical match as I can imagine and the costuming was about as thrilling as you can guess considering the time period in which this is set. You’ve got to agree that clothes back then just weren’t all that exciting. But the fight scenes…Omigosh the fight scenes! I never thought I’d say this about an action/horror movie but the fight scenes really did get old after a while. They choreographed the stuffings out of them. And to make it even worse they added lots of dust and/or smoke so that nothing was very clear though things did jump out at us every once in a while. The worst, in my opinion, was the scene during the horse stampede. Coming in a close second was the train scene. Yes, it was kind of neat but it got to the point at which I thought maybe the vampires had gotten with Abe and Will ahead of time to decide who would come at who and when. I can hear Spike right now. “IT’S NOT REAL!!!” I know this but come on! I don’t ever want the heroes to die but just once can’t the evil villain tell all of his minions to attack all at the same time? Seriously?

I would love to have been tucked away somewhere in the screening room (or whatever it’s called) when the entire film was watched for the first time by the production staff. I want to know if they honestly sat back and said, “Well done, us.” “We are the bomb.com.” I’m thinking they got tired of filming, shrugged their shoulders and said, “Meh! It’s as good as it’s gonna get. The masses are mindless drones. They’ll eat it up.” Maybe they didn’t go to that extent but sometimes I wonder. Especially when I catch the mistakes that were made. What on earth are the editors for? I’d like to know how bad the mistakes were that they did manage to catch. I know I’ve mentioned all this before and I probably will again. I can’t seem to help it.

Another thing I MUST poke fun at is good ol’ Abe’s handling of the ax. We were apparently supposed to be highly impressed with how he spun it around during his training and when he was fighting the vampires. I might be…if I’d never in my life seen a flag corps. For the few of you who don’t know what a flag corps is, go to any high school/college football game and watch the girls/boys on the field during half-time who are not playing instruments. I guarantee a lot of these individuals could give Benjamin Walker (Abraham Lincoln) a run for his money. Just keepin’ it real, folks.

The violence was somewhere along the lines of 300 and Immortals. If blood flew, it had to do so in slow motion. Why get it over quickly when we can make the audience soak it all in, so to speak. This is yet another case of if-the-action-doesn’t-work-let’s-try-to-gross-them-out. If my mom were watching this film it would be mission accomplished but since she is pretty much only in Disney’s demographic the grossness just didn’t cut it. No pun intended. I will admit that the vampires were pretty darn creepy looking. These guys are most definitely not the currently oh-so-loved sparkly vamps. Not by a long shot.

I’m not going to break this down. It’s rated R for a reason. See the paragraph above if you need a reminder. I know people out there are going to completely disagree with my assessment of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and that is totally their prerogative. I didn’t completely hate the movie. There were a few good scenes. I also didn’t feel like it was a complete waste of time. I just don’t think I will ever watch it again. If you liked the vampire-killing fest that was From Dusk Till Dawn then you’ll probably like this.

There is absolutely no reason to stay through the credits. I did find it amusing that Linkin Park performed one of the songs in the film. What really tickled me was the part in the credits in which it mentioned that all of the characters were fictitious. Now I get that the real Abraham Lincoln was not a vampire hunter but the fact remains that he and Mary Todd were both quite real. Unless our US History books were works of fiction also. For some reason I’m pretty sure they weren’t.

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