Monday, July 2, 2012

Goon (R/92 Min.)

Watch this movie only if you love hockey. I repeat…Watch this movie ONLY if you love hockey. If you have no idea how many quarters are in a game, how many umpires are on the field or how many players are on the squad do NOT watch this movie. If you didn’t find any mistakes in that last sentence do NOT watch this movie. Having said that, if you don’t appreciate a good hockey fight DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE! Do you get what I’m saying?

This is another film, like Warrior, that I waited FOREVER to see at the theater. I don’t think it was ever released in the booming metropolis of OKC. How very disappointing. This is definitely a movie I would’ve liked to have seen on the big screen. Especially the part with the tooth flying. Yuck!!! I looked it up today to see when it is coming out at the theater (Ha! on me!) and saw that it is already available to rent on Netflix. It’s even in the “Play from the computer” selection of films. Wow! That was quick!

Goon is based on a true story. Doug Glatt is the black sheep of his family. His dad and brother are both doctors and Doug is a bouncer at a club. Doug has a friend, Pat, who enjoys heckling hockey players. When one player is pushed too far and comes after Pat, Doug steps in and strongly convinces said player to leave his friend alone; to the tune of busting the player’s helmet with his head. Yeowch! The opposing team’s coach is a touch impressed and asks Doug to join the team as an enforcer and a career is born!

If you don’t know what an enforcer is please see the first paragraph. If you still want to know, an enforcer is the bully of a hockey team. He protects the other players on his team by beating the stuffings out of the players on the opposing team. “That’s unsportsmanlike conduct!” you might object. No. That’s hockey.

It may seem as if I’m suggesting that Goon is all hockey all the time but it’s really not. There is actually stuff to watch in between each match. Doug is a bit of a goof but he’s a lovable goof. With a potty mouth. Actually, everyone except Doug’s family has a potty mouth. Be prepared. Seann William Scott did a great job as Doug. It’s nice to see Seann as something other than a smart aleck jerk. He plays the doofus to a tee and does equally well as Doug “The Thug”. As tough as he is, though, he’s a big softie when it comes to Eva. Doug also believes in right and wrong and takes his punishment when he believes he has wronged someone else. I didn’t like that scene very much at all. There’s even a Forrest Gump scene in which he admits to his family that’s he’s stupid. It was almost sad.

Eva is played by Alison Pill. If you’ve never heard of Alison then you’ve probably never seen Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. She’s the drummer in SPvTW who introduces her band by yelling, “We Are Sex Bob-Omb!” Classy, right? In Goon she plays the boyfriend-having sweetie of Doug. She tries to warn Doug off by telling him what a bad person she is but Doug is having none of it. Alison and Seann play well off each other. She is so fun to watch and I hope we see more of her. Not literally. Seriously, people.

The other person of interest in this story is Ross Rhea played by Liev Schreiber. I happen to think that Liev is one attractive hunk o’ man so I was more than happy to see him in this film. He plays an enforcer sent down from the NHL for slashing an opposing team member in the back of the head. For some reason the hockey officials frown on stuff like that. And I have to agree with them. Beat the crap out of each other face to face. None of these behind the back cheap shots. Despite being a seemingly tough guy on the ice he’s not so bad off. The ice. You know what I mean. And even on the ice he tries to talk some of the other players out of fighting with him. But once you cross that line…

Rhea is coming to the end of his hockey career and is being encouraged by the press to participate in an on-the-ice brawl with Doug. Here are the two possibilities I foresaw. Me being omniscient and all. One…Rhea wins the fight thereby ending his career in a blaze of glory and Doug’s fans, while disappointed for him, still hold him in high regard. Or two…Doug wins and Rhea is a good sport about it and the crowd goes wild! Which one happened? I am so not telling.

The rest of the cast are either hockey players or family. Except for Pat, played by Jay Baruchel who, not surprisingly, co-wrote the film. He’s annoying. End of story. Okay, not end of story. He is so incredibly inappropriate. I really think the movie would have been better without his antics. He’s completely sophomoric and I hope that even boys (read: men) would get tired of him after a while. Now end of story.

To say this movie is not for kids is the understatement of the century. Here’s the reason Netflix gives for the R-Rating: “Brutal violence, non-stop language, some strong sexual content and drug use.” That pretty much sums it up. If you don’t believe the part about the brutal violence lemme ‘splain one of the scenes to you. Yes, I am going to actually tell you what happens. Please skip if you don’t wanna know. The Halifax Highlanders, Doug’s team, are fighting to keep the other team from scoring. Unfortunately, the Highlanders’ goalie gets taken out leaving nothing but Doug in between the puck and the net. Instead of using his glove, as I was hoping he would, he takes it in the mouth. Blood spurts. And spurts and spurts. It’s gross but once again, it’s hockey. There is a LOT of blood in this film. I will admit that the only part that made me gag involved not blood but a spit fight. I can’t explain me so don’t even ask. Oh wait! I was almost ill when I heard a bone break. That was more than I could handle. Aside from that I thought the sexual content was completely unnecessary but it is in there so be warned. And while the language doesn’t hold a candle to 21 Jump Street it is still pretty bad.

If you like Slap Shot you’ll, more than likely, like Goon. I was on the edge of my seat during the final scene. The one good thing about not watching this in the theater is that I didn’t have to worry about making an idiot of myself during parts of the movie. If you’re longing for hockey season, Goon may help tide you over. It might also help if whatever match you watch doesn’t include the fights I know you go to see. This may be my new anger management movie…if G.I. Jane doesn’t do the trick. What?

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