Wednesday, May 28, 2014

A Million Ways to Die in the West (R/116 Min.)


Let me begin by saying that I knew absolutely nothing about this movie save for the actors who took part in it. I didn't watch the trailers. I didn't read any synopses. I didn't look to see who wrote or directed it. I wanted to see it based solely on who was in it. BIG MISTAKE!!! HUGE! I will never ever never do that again.

For those of you who feel the need to comment about what a poor movie critic I am, let me cut you off at the pass. If you liked Neighbors or This Is the End or Ted (I'm told), you'll probably really enjoy A Million Ways... If you thought any of those movies were crass, stay far, far away from this one. There. If the comparison to the movies mentioned above made you decide that you definitely are going to see A Million Ways then you can just stop reading now because the rest of this review will, more than likely, make you mad. And then you'll send me rude yet anonymous comments which I've decided not to post. Now, if you disagree with me and feel like politely telling me why, I'll be more than happy to share that with the general population. I might even share the rude comments if the commenters don't hide behind anonymity. Own it, people! As always, if you cuss at me, I most definitely won't post your comment. Woo! Sorry for the tangent. Just wanted to get that out of the way. By the way, I took my friend Mack with me and she didn't think it was as bad as I did. So, to each his/her own.

Back to the movie. A Million Ways to Die in the West is the story of a sheep farmer named Albert who will never be mistaken for a gunslinger...or a sheep farmer. I've seen some summaries label him as cowardly but if you know you can't hit the broad side of a barn with a gun (or the bullets in one)but can talk your way out of getting shot I see that as a good thing! But that may be just me. Anyway, poor Albert has been dumped by his girlfriend, Louise, and he's decided that life in the West pretty much sucks without her. Along comes Anna, wife of the notorious (dun dun daaaaaa!) gunslinger, Clinch. Anna takes a liking to Albert and a friendship ensues.

That's the very basic plot. So much more happens but I'm trying to keep this relatively short. The acting wasn't bad considering what they had to work with. I think I enjoyed the cameos more than the main actors.

As for the rating, I wish theaters could enforce a no children at R-rated movies policy. I still can't believe there were kids at this screening. Some parents are going to have some explaining to do. There was cussing and cussing and more cussing. We got to hear people having sex. Loudly. We got to see way more body fluid/waste than I EVER wanted to see. Poor Mack very nearly got puked on. I truly couldn't help it. It's bad enough to hear someone have explosive diarrhea. I most certainly don't want to see it. I'm trying to remember but I really don't think there was any nudity. Shocking! The only "parts" we saw were sheep parts and though no one wants to see that, I'm glad that's as far as they went. There was drinking. There were drugs. There was racism. There were several jokes aimed at Christians. If it could be insulted they pretty much did it.

For those of you who are wondering what others in the audience thought of this film, I'll say that most of the laughter sounded uncomfortable. There was one woman who would, on occasion, yell things like, "That's hilarious!" Most of the racist jokes fell flat. Thank goodness. The girl next to me, who decided to join in the dancing during the town dance scene, really enjoyed the kissing. Any time anyone locked lips I heard, "Aaawwww!!!" She was such a joy.

I will not go see this again. As mentioned before, if you liked those other movies, you'll probably like this. If you didn't, you won't. If you do go see this, stay through the credits. There's a very short extra.

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